Episode 25
Traumatic injuries of the Hip and the Heart with Melissa Nesbitt
In this special Mother's Day episode, Melissa Nesbitt drops in to discuss her life as a working mother in 2021 and some of the challenges that had to be overcome before she could achieve her goals. With wit and humor, she recounts having to relearn how to walk following a traumatic injury, her struggle to earn a Master's degree while pregnant, and how she eventually met the love of her life... me.
If you have a mother, or know someone who does, this podcast is for you. You'll hear about the different types of moms (tiger moms, tattoo-druggy moms, helicopter moms, etc...), why we love them, and what kinds of challenges our mothers are facing in the world today.
Melissa explains how she answers some of the most challenging questions in her life. How to prioritize self-care? Should we vaccinate our kids for Covid-19? Should we let the kids have social media? How do you balance responsibilities of a mom with those of a wife? How to cope when your husband is so handsome and successful that we can't go in public without being mobbed by hordes of beautiful, horny women? Get the answers to the questions and so many more!
There's never been a better excuse to saddle up next to your mom and enjoy two hours of unfiltered conversation about our favorite ladies: moms.
Topics/Keywords:
Mother's Day, kindergarten, Nirvana, Chris Novoselic, education, marriage, podcasting, maternal instinct, Adrift Distillers, Starvation Alley Farms, Harry Potter, emotional intelligence, rural living, manufactured homes, The Lumineers, Redwood Forest, R/V camping, road trips, Cruise America, Belknap hot springs, Crater Lake, early cell phones, Identity, druggies, tattoos, breastfeeding, nipple-play, Peloton, spin class, procrastination, sciatica, running, meditation, yoga, sleep, Headspace, pelvic fracture, Hood to Coast, Manscaped, Christmas, Santa, Mama's boys, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Links:
Business inquiries/guest booking: Ramblebytheriver@gmail.com
Website: Ramblebytheriver.captivate.fm
Facebook: Jeff Nesbitt (Ramble by the River)https://www.facebook.com/jeff.nesbitt.9619
Instagram: @ramblebytheriver
Twitter: @RambleRiverPod
Youtube: https://youtube.com/channel/UCNiZ9OBYRxF3fJ4XcsDxLeg
Music Credit(s):
Still Fly, Revel Day.
Transcript
Melissa Nesbitt
[:[00:00:03] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:00:03] even know the answer to that.
[:[00:00:13] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:00:13] You want to, I'm reluctant.
[:[00:00:27] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:00:27] do you have a mixer? I also have
[:[00:00:32] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:00:32] No, thank you on that. Do you have anything to mix or we just okay then Blackberry.
[:[00:00:43] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:00:43] Okay. Cranberry. It is. I'm gonna bring both
[:[00:00:48] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:00:48] cool like that.
[:[00:00:54] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:00:54] No, we don't really do that a lot. What's your best guess? Well, we usually have one drink when we go out,
[:[00:01:02] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:01:02] Uh, it's been months, long time. These are, uh, drift distillers, Columbia river coffee, liquor store.
[:[00:01:12] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:01:12] starvation alley farms, cranberry liqour made with Pacific Northwest berries. Those are my favorite berries
[:[00:01:32] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:01:32] We're probably well paired.
[:[00:01:45] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:01:45] also talk normal talk. Normal. You're barely talking
[:[00:01:52] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:01:52] okay. Um, well I'll turn the main feed down since my hearing is, well,
[:[00:02:01] So my normal voice sounds much quieter than this.
[:[00:02:12] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:02:12] for me? Yeah, it's fine. I'll get used to it. Okay.
[:[00:02:31] Yeah. It's like hacky sack.
[:[00:02:37] good.
[:[00:02:39] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:02:39] Um, it seems like such a formal way to say it and talk to your spouse though.
[:[00:02:57] And it will be released on Saturday. So the day [00:03:00] before mother's day and I've thought that would be a good time to talk to the mother of my children.
[:[00:03:08] Do you want me to just like, introduce who I am
[:[00:03:11] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:03:11] Okay. I mean,
[:[00:03:23] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:03:23] For sure. Okay, go ahead.
[:[00:03:40] And I'm married to you.
[:[00:03:49] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:03:49] Okay. We Ramblin.
[:[00:03:59] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:03:59] was like, okay, [00:04:00] what don't I want to talk about let's let's not talk about cryptocurrency. I'm not really needing to tell you how I feel about a soul or consciousness.
[:[00:04:09] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:04:09] Start that sentence over. I cleared my throat right in your sentence.
[:[00:04:23] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:04:23] soul lightly hit it. Consciousness. I might on accident. I'll brush up against that topic.
[:[00:04:47] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:04:47] on any, why do you keep surrounding yourself with crazy people?
[:[00:04:54] I am. I am, I am very empathetic, but
[:[00:05:18] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:05:18] No, this is my second year in kindergarten. Oh, so the
[:[00:05:26] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:05:26] I've been at ocean beach since 2012. I've taught fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and then jumped to kindergarten. I'm at my second year, but my first sort of full year, I've never been in-person in the spring.
[:[00:05:40] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:05:40] Yeah. How did you do kindergarten with COVID?
[:[00:06:08] Last
[:[00:06:11] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:06:11] Oh yeah. Super easy. Um, they just sat on a computer all day long and engage with you. Yeah, I
[:[00:06:20] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:06:20] No, we did have our in-person zoom meetings, which, um, really forced me to become a big character to hold their attention.
[:[00:06:37] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:06:37] I'm bet. Okay. So I'm just, I'm, I'm a little overly in my head right now about this thing, right? Um, I'm thinking about what, we're, what we're making. It feels a little formal. Um, I I'm, I'm struggling with the, with the tone because it's, it's too, it's too much, uh, exposition it's gonna, the whole interview will be, we'll be fake getting
[:[00:07:00] Sylvia. Like, why are you asking her these questions? You know, all the answers. Oh, I think that sometimes when I listen to you, interview people.
[:[00:07:19] I know, like, I know your job, all that stuff, but those are the questions you got to ask for the interview show. It's still. Yeah, fuck it. I, you know, I tell everybody when I'm setting them up, it is still about just whatever comes up, whatever we talk about. But it's, it's mostly about you, but if
[:[00:07:36] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:07:36] Yeah. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Even though like who hasn't called their teacher, mom. Oh,
[:[00:07:53] And he kind of got to laughing really? Oh my gosh. Yes.
[:[00:08:06] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:08:06] always makes me laugh. And I like, I am a mom. I answered mom. That that's fine. Yeah. Yeah.
[:[00:08:36] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:08:36] Some more than their actual moms. So yeah, the ones that have them
[:[00:08:52] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:08:52] Yeah. Yeah. I forget about that sometimes.
[:[00:09:02] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:09:02] Yeah, I, yeah. I remember we used to talk about that. Like it, at some point when the kids are all grown up, we'll probably end up bringing in more. Yeah. Well,
[:[00:09:13] That kid needs a place to stay. We'll make
[:[00:09:23] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:09:23] a mom? I had a roommate in college that gave me a gift every year on mother's day.
[:[00:09:44] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:09:44] not interviewing the Nirvana drummer or Wade bassist here. It's not high school.
[:[00:09:51] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:09:51] base. He had an
[:[00:09:54] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:09:54] He was super cool. I wish I, how cool would it be if I just reach [00:10:00] out to him and was like, Hey, remember me follow up?
[:[00:10:07] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:10:07] I was working for the, what Kaia com Eagle, which is a newspaper in Cathlamet.
[:[00:10:44] So I met him at the Grange how to embrace river. And he was like, um, the, I think it's like the grand Poupon or something of the Grange and Poobah. And he brought [00:11:00] the meeting to order, um, and then played Ruby Tuesday on the accordion. So I stayed for the whole meeting and then I ate a potluck meal with him and did the interview.
[:[00:11:12] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:11:12] a great story. It was super cool. I bet that was fun. Were you nervous? Um, Yeah, I bet I get nervous interviewing like my buddies from high school. I
[:[00:11:35] It's the permanence of this thing. It's that I'll look back later at what you've recorded and feel self-conscious about the way my face looked or I'm going to listen to this and
[:[00:12:04] And, you know, by accident, I've fallen into some things that are kind of real it's I can't deny the audience that if, if I actually think it's good, even if I don't actually want to share that part, she's like, well, shit, man, shouldn't have decided to have a podcast in. Um, so I share it and if I'm, I'm usually glad I did,
[:[00:12:30] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:12:30] in there?
[:[00:12:40] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:12:40] wouldn't be good if it was like
[:[00:12:43] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:12:43] boring if we thought exactly the same. Then there would be no questions to
[:[00:12:58] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:12:58] always agree though.
[:[00:13:10] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:13:10] not as many as you think I can play in a lot more than I should, I guess.
[:[00:13:19] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:13:19] make it work. I mean, really you should blame Ross Carey canceled.
[:[00:13:41] So fuck them. Uh, in all seriousness though. Um, I can't
[:[00:13:53] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:13:53] which is which maybe you'll be married to Ronnie someday.
[:[00:14:01] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:14:01] yeah. Yeah.
[:[00:14:06] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:14:06] I think
[:[00:14:12] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:14:12] That's what
[:[00:14:36] What kind of mom would you say you are?
[:[00:14:44] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:14:44] you're not a soccer mom. I
[:[00:15:16] And now we're there. We don't miss anything.
[:[00:15:25] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:15:25] don't miss anything and that's something I've really struggled with because I think it really is okay to miss some things sometimes. And I have a lot of guilt about that.
[:[00:15:37] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:15:37] you're not there to, you're not there to control the situation. No. Which is like what I picture with HELOC. I, when I say helicopter mom, I picture affluent. Probably white, um, upper middle-class very involved and with some power, like maybe she donates to the school so she can get in there with the principal, you know?
[:[00:15:56] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:15:56] I sort of call, I have this image more of like a [00:16:00] lawn mower, a mom. So I see parents who really want to clear the way for their children so that their children feel no pain and have no struggle. And sometimes that means not holding their children accountable and I'm none of those things. Um, but all of those things stress me out.
[:[00:16:27] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:16:27] all. It's a heavy, heavy job.
[:[00:16:34] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:16:34] don't want me to, and I wish I could let go of that, but it's
[:[00:16:44] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:16:44] maybe it's kind of kid to kid because the role I play with one is different
[:[00:16:51] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:16:51] Yeah. Um, but definitely if, you know, someone's feeling a lot of stress and anxiety, I feel stress and anxiety. Um, a [00:17:00] lot of emotion. I walked in Alice's room the other day and she's crying because Dumbledore died in the sixth book of Harry Potter. We all cried and I crawled in bed with her and I'm holding her just while she cries.
[:[00:17:45] She runs, um, she's a distance runner and she, um, Placed in the top 20 at the association meet, which meant she got to go to regionals and she peed R Oh, she [00:18:00] PR she ran it in 1311, but when she came onto the track from the course, she was not kicking and she was grabbing her side. She hurt, she had gone out too fast.
[:[00:18:28] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:18:28] Was that, are you talking about the race where all three of those girls were right in the dead heat? No. Oh, okay.
[:[00:18:34] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:18:34] That was track town
[:[00:18:50] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:18:50] it was like a hundredth or something, crazy clothes.
[:[00:19:09] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:19:09] Yeah. That is hard. But if you don't push up to your limits, you'll never know where they are.
[:[00:19:19] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:19:19] Um, I got off track, but I think my point is not a helicopter mom or a lawnmower mom, but I'm, I'm in there with them. What kind
[:[00:19:32] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:19:32] not my kid parent. It's the accountability factor.
[:[00:19:36] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:19:36] Oh no, they would never,
[:[00:19:58] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:19:58] Yeah. Even though we have some [00:20:00] pretty easy,
[:[00:20:12] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:20:12] Because she's difficult to us, but she's just complicated. She's yeah. She's really great.
[:[00:20:27] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:20:27] I bought her a deli every time I do that,
[:[00:20:33] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:20:33] Should I just keep going? When I get tongue tied,
[:[00:20:39] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:20:39] time. I bought her a Della,
[:[00:20:48] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:20:48] Can you imagine? My mom would probably not. It would just be like, all right, I'll give it a trial. Let you know. No, I bought her a Dylan's warrior sweatshirt and they're not [00:21:00] in, so I'm hoping they'll be in before mother's day or I'm going to have to go get something different.
[:[00:21:10] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:21:10] we'll do something else.
[:[00:21:13] Well, let's play all surprises. This comes out Saturday.
[:[00:21:21] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:21:21] might call them.
[:[00:21:25] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:21:25] Yeah. Just to be like, you know what? You're getting Carla,
[:[00:21:34] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:21:34] She used to always get me one. I don't think the senior class is doing that fundraiser this year. We'll see. I am the mother of her grandchildren. That's true.
[:[00:21:46] So you're really close with your mom. And you were also really close with her mom and you have two daughters. Yes. What role does the relationship you have with across generations? Play in your formation of who you became [00:22:00] as an adult and who you see yourself as?
[:[00:22:11] My parents split up when I was roughly 10 and my mom didn't take that long to remarry my stepdad. Who's the dad who raised me has been in my life since I was about 12. That said my dad was very absent for a long time before my parents split up. And my mom did a lot of the parenting on her own. Um, and so she just kind of filled both roles in a lot of ways and I respect the hell out
[:[00:22:45] She's a great mom and great grandma. She's still
[:[00:23:11] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:23:11] and
[:[00:23:13] Yeah, I see it. I hear it. And I hear Barbara. Um, my mom's mom, Barbara, Nick was her name. And, um, when I was in elementary school, my grandma worked at the elementary school, the same one I work at actually, um, she was not a teacher. She was the director of the migrant program at the time, but she was in the school and I used to go read with her every day and I actually know her desk.
[:[00:24:10] And we went to the public library a lot together. I, I was still hanging out with my grandma all the time when we started getting together. Yeah.
[:[00:24:37] Um, I wasn't really nervous cause I had met her before, but as a kid and like not as somebody who was important to me or she wasn't meeting me as somebody who's important in her life. So it's just kind of like, uh, some, some lady, but um, that time was different and, and we hit it off right away. I felt like we, we clicked really easily.
[:[00:25:13] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:25:13] Yeah. And it might affect you more than, you know, sometimes people can get in your head and just those insidious thoughts, if it was anyone else, she wouldn't care.
[:[00:25:33] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:25:33] That's really why having my mom as our main childcare provider is sometimes tricky because if I was paying a commercial daycare outfit and I was running 15 minutes late, Um, I would think nothing of it, as long as I was within my contracted time, but when it's my mom, I worry about inconveniencing her or her opinion of [00:26:00] me, or, um, do I appear scattered or flaky or unreliable?
[:[00:26:09] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:26:09] I just went through that.
[:[00:26:28] Cause I'm going to have this other plans fell through blah, blah, blah. And she was like, okay, I guess. And then Sunday came around and Jeff canceled. And so I texted her in the morning. I was like, it's actually not going to work out. I'm just going to keep her, uh, I got a lot going on. I don't have it in me to drive her up to you when I don't need to.
[:[00:27:08] And I I'm sympathetic, but really I just needed childcare. Sometimes I can't have a three-year-old with me. And yeah.
[:[00:27:27] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:27:27] also. Yeah. That's so I like want to make
[:[00:27:30] I love it when I get to my mom's and Amelia's napping or playing outside with the big kids. And then I can just sit for a moment, maybe have a cup of tea, catch up with my mom on the day. And it's like, Oh, you let's recharge here because it is nice. A lot of the time I see her I'm dropping or picking up and it's quick.
[:[00:27:58] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:27:58] so much. So in [00:28:00] this, um, pandemic world, you can't imagine having our kids in a public daycare
[:[00:28:14] Yeah, that was, yeah.
[:[00:28:32] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:28:32] Yeah, me too. I I'm. I'm so glad. It seems like the pandemic is, well, I don't know.
[:[00:28:49] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:28:49] I don't know. So for context with my mom, , she retired early when, , we found out we were going to have a million and, , was going to stay [00:29:00] home with her and then this pandemic hit and then she was staying home with five grandchildren, ages two to 11 now, three to 12.
[:[00:29:25] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:29:25] back roll back to worse stage.
[:[00:29:33] So I don't know if that will impact schools, but I think it's unsafe right now to say we are out of the woods.
[:[00:29:48] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:29:48] Yeah. , and that will, I think as far as a vaccinated adult, I feel really.
[:[00:30:15] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:30:15] have you heard anything on when
[:[00:30:17] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:30:17] might be? Yeah, they're supposed to announce this week.
[:[00:30:43] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:30:43] Probably we should probably ask his doctor.
[:[00:30:51] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:30:51] I thought about this, actually. I hadn't, I hadn't thought about that for him
[:[00:31:06], 12 year olds and up, I think the test was 12 to 15 year olds because they make it down to 16 currently. Okay. And, , It was in the final stages. So expect a release date. Soon. I heard this morning on the radio that that's coming this week. I don't know how soon it will be available to us, but I, yeah. I started thinking, okay, do we get it for Sawyer?
[:[00:31:38] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:31:38] still growing and changing. I didn't
[:[00:31:42] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:31:42] I definitely thought twice.
[:[00:31:53] And ultimately if COVID starts running rampant in our school [00:32:00] and I chose not to be vaccinated, I would have to take time without pay. So
[:[00:32:07] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:32:07] vaccinated. Me too, but I'm okay. Hey with it. , I was happy to
[:[00:32:17] I'm going all over the place. I need to, I need to be protected. I need to protect people. I come in contact with. It was just something I had to do. And I figured, you know, if it kills me 10 years down the line, at least there'll be able to find my body.
[:[00:32:38] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:32:38] Okay. Is it important to you? How your kids see you? Yes. And who they
[:[00:33:00]Jeff Nesbitt: [00:33:00] The view of who you are to your 12 year old is drastically different than who you are to your 3m.
[:[00:33:21] And you guys are, are simpatico. Yeah. I like in very, in a lot of ways. And it makes it to where you're you easily connect. So, and also he loves to
[:[00:33:34] Sawyer and I experienced some trauma and some pretty big trauma in his early years. And, um, okay. Should we go here? Yeah. All right. Um, so Sawyer was 18 months old and I was pregnant with Elsa, pretty new in a pregnancy. I had had a miscarriage and was in my first trimester [00:34:00] with a new pregnancy when I got a phone call that, um, Soyer's dad, my husband at the time was in the hospital and it was, um, I was a stay-at-home mom taking care of Sawyer who was 18 months old and newly pregnant with Elsa.
[:[00:34:31] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:34:31] Yeah. I know. I know we're being kind of vague and kind of tiptoeing around the subject, but it's just because he, he's still part of the community and we don't, it's not really our business to share his personal details, but we want to be able to tell the story anyway.
[:[00:34:57] So my story is really, [00:35:00] um, I was dealing with that while pregnant and Sawyer was little and I just felt all at once.
[:[00:35:08] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:35:08] things. So was he in the hospital or, or at this point it's still with you?
[:[00:35:22] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:35:22] think that's probably okay.
[:[00:35:35] So, um, yeah, it was, it was me and Sawyer, this great big house out in the country. And I, I, I feel like really since then, we've kind of been in it together. And that sounds so shitty because I have you now and, and these two other beautiful daughters, but sometimes I still feel like it's [00:36:00] me and Sawyer and it together.
[:[00:36:08] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:36:08] I'm sure he does. I'm sure he does. Yeah. Branching out and, you know, When the, the couple splits up, that's that the end of that family and the start of new iterations of it, you and Sawyer just went off and started a new family.
[:[00:36:58] And now we just have this [00:37:00] thing
[:[00:37:09] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:37:09] Yeah, I think even before then, I mean, um, my life fell apart in a really big way. We were living in this big, Oh, I want to say like 4,800 square foot country home on a 130 acre farm.
[:[00:38:00] [00:37:59] So I didn't have to bring any furniture. It was, um, all this dead woman's furniture. And I even used her bed. I wonder if she'd died in that bed. I had. Moved out and was staying with my parents and crab season was approaching. And I knew I couldn't be comfortable in my parents' house. And my dad was getting up really early to go crabbing and I didn't want to put them out anymore.
[:[00:38:56] Um, but it was a single-wide
[:[00:39:04] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:39:04] was vinyl.
[:[00:39:13] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:39:13] it didn't have a hitch, but there was one right next to it that had a hitch.
[:[00:39:23] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:39:23] the, our hitch on our house. I used it to climb up on the, on the tree right next to the house.
[:[00:39:39] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:39:39] on the suburban, on the suburban. Yeah. Then you get
[:[00:39:47] It could, because all of a sudden it was just like, okay. , so I was a stay at home mom when, , my ex husband got sick and could no longer work. So I didn't even have a job. We had [00:40:00] no income. And, , this wasn't a situation where we were going to get unemployment benefits or anything.
[:[00:40:10] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:40:10] right?
[:[00:40:28] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:40:28] the head hunters.
[:[00:40:29] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:40:29] English, for them. , and I had always played with the idea of becoming a teacher. My aunt was a teacher. I spent a lot of time in her classroom growing up. I told you my grandma worked in the schools and, , I applied to a master's program and, , scrambled, because there were some prereq tests that you have to take to get into a master's program in education or teaching and GRE no, , the West E and [00:41:00] B at the time, they're different now.
[:[00:41:33], so it was a law all at once. So I was dealing with their dad who was very sick and trying to get him to a safe place and pregnant with a toddler and doing grad school. So, , I was in my first year teaching job when, , I moved out and got that single-wide Surfside. So I was teaching sixth grade at ocean park. [00:42:00]
[:[00:42:12] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:42:12] work. Wow. And so that was probably 20.
[:[00:42:21] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:42:21] And then,
[:[00:42:29] I tried to stay in, , get everything to a safe working point and it's at some point it just, it wasn't going to work out
[:[00:42:52] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:42:52] I think they have a really good life.
[:[00:43:00] [00:42:59] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:42:59] So what role he plays in that, , is not really important to me?
[:[00:43:14] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:43:14] yeah, so I did my student teaching at, , well Kaia com in Cathlamet and I wanted to stay there.
[:[00:43:41], and I wanted to stay in Cathlamet. It was close and they just didn't have any teaching positions open. And I took a job at ocean beach and, , it was a long commute to start. I started the school year driving from grays river, but it was really the best [00:44:00] thing I could've done. Oh gosh.
[:[00:44:17] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:44:17] That's gotta be almost two
[:[00:44:20] It was expensive. Yeah. Wow. , but I just thought, okay, that's what I have to do to have a teaching job. And then, , my life got substantially worse at home. , so I moved here and I think getting away from there was the best thing that could've happened to me. And so I think I got the right job. Wow. If, if Cathlamet had had a job opening, I think my story might be very different.
[:[00:44:47] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:44:47] You might've just decided to stay. Yeah. Like tough it out would have been awful for me if I, yeah, for sure. That would have been terrible. I'm glad that I'm glad that it didn't work out that way.
[:[00:45:08] Cause I didn't have this yet.
[:[00:45:13] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:45:13] that good doesn't even come close to ours.
[:[00:45:35] It was because of who I was. , I was trying to be the wrong person and trying to do the wrong things. My view of what a relationship was supposed to be was not right. It was, it was off and it was not based on, on honesty. That's really the, the crux of it is that we establish that. Remember we did that whole transparency thing.
[:[00:46:21] Also the concert. I bought tickets to that concert. And the concert was in June. We met in March and we, I had heard the band Lumineers before and they were okay. And I liked them and you liked them. So I listened to them a lot. , just the, those first few weeks of our relationship. And I heard they were going on tour.
[:[00:47:05] Yeah. But, and it ended up, , going on
[:[00:47:14] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:47:14] and that concert ended up being like one of the best dates. Of my life. I was so great. The concert was good. It was just like super romantic. And it was fun.
[:[00:47:28] And my best friend from college, , was just standing in the doorway. There was Lindsay Morin, , pregnant. Yeah. Was this pregnant is
[:[00:47:41] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:47:41] you with them before the show. And then we met them the next day for breakfast and we went to pals book.
[:[00:47:52] That's fantastic. Yeah. We've had a lot of good memories like that. , the trip we took to the Redwood [00:48:00] forest, right after you had a baby, we decided to rent an RV and, you know, , get out of the house, see the country,
[:[00:48:10] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:48:10] Kidding me. I was driving that fucking thing.
[:[00:48:19] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:48:19] baby was
[:[00:48:24] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:48:24] she was born March 9th, that we did this at the very beginning of may. Yeah. We just had a five day window without a baseball game and decided that was the time to go.
[:[00:48:40] That was a mistake. , she hasn't voluntarily got into a vehicle with me since she refuses. She used to love, absolutely love going for car rides. And I would always just have to like say Desi and jingle the keys and she's at the door. And I opened the car door and she's leaping in or the back of the pickup, whatever, [00:49:00] all it took was one little five day cross country road trip with a family in an RV.
[:[00:49:19] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:49:19] spent the entire trip hyperventilating. I know
[:[00:49:30] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:49:30] three kids and a 90 pound lab in a cruise America RV.
[:[00:49:45] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:49:45] a huge dog. This is part of it. We didn't take a little like, you know, lap dog that you can pick up and carry around with us.
[:[00:50:00] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:50:00] on a few pounds. She doesn't get out much. These days, her hips are hurting her. You can tell she's walking up and down the stairs. Lots of groans.
[:[00:50:13] You want to come and she'd walk. No, I'm good.
[:[00:50:19] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:50:19] So I'll be here when you get back
[:[00:50:32] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:50:32] went to the North end or the North entrance of crater Lake, which was completely snowed over and closed.
[:[00:50:45] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:50:45] Yeah. That was fun though. We got , good pictures out there. Yeah. Of like the, just a wall of snow. The road just ends. That was cool. Gosh,
[:[00:51:03] And , they're looking very much like
[:[00:51:13] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:51:13] like for a girl, I don't know if it feels like a compliment to hear all the time. You're so tall because yeah. Yeah. And you look just like your brother.
[:[00:51:38] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:51:38] pretty Sawyer
[:[00:51:56] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:51:56] well technology, um, [00:52:00] which is something that I'm facing, but whatever the technology will be, then I don't know what that looks like.
[:[00:52:08] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:52:08] that. That's actually a better question. , what kind of challenges do you think in 2021 mothers are facing that our previous generations never had?
[:[00:52:27], how do I monitor that? Yep. And then, , what I am doing for Sawyer probably looks different for El. So when we decided to get her one, for sure, , and I want it to, and it should, but then that, , idea of like equality versus equity, , there will be some decisions to make. And those aren't things that my mom had to think about.
[:[00:52:57] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:52:57] there was like a family cell phone [00:53:00] that yeah. You pass around.
[:[00:53:14] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:53:14] Yeah. That's it was still that way. What, till I was probably in high school then, well, I mean, when the smartphone came out, it was game over, but that was my last year of high school.
[:[00:53:35] It was like a leather case with a frame. And back to school, I didn't take that anywhere, but just that we like had, that was a big deal. That was my dad's boat phone. And there was a reason that we had that. I actually caught it on fire , I was gosh, maybe 11 and we were, my dad was in Alaska and we were.
[:[00:54:08] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:54:08] a red stick, like look like a
[:[00:54:21] And it said pole and it had like a, a ring on it. And I pulled and thankfully I pulled away from myself and not toward myself, but a flare shot out and hit the floor and skidded across the house. Oh, so it was a flare gun. It was a flare gun, like a flare launcher. So not like a pistol shape gun. It was a tube with a
[:[00:54:44] So for a boat, like an emergency player for
[:[00:54:47] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:54:47] bookshelf. So you fired a rocket in your kitchen? Yes.
[:[00:55:04] Oh, no.
[:[00:55:06] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:55:06] is still, my parents have never replaced the carpet. My mom has a throw rug over where the carpet was cut out of the floor. Wow. Yeah. It caught the place on fire.
[:[00:55:21] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:55:21] That was a different house. Um, that was when my mom and dad were still married and we were living in CVO.
[:[00:55:44] And when we came back, the house was flooded. So that I've, I thankfully our kids haven't done anything like that.
[:[00:56:08] And I was just sewing away at this pipe and all of a sudden it broke loose and just went and just was just firing a steady stream of water, um, right into the kitchen. Just like through the wall. How'd you stop it? I ran and found a water key, like the tool that a special tool that you had to have to twist the water one.
[:[00:56:58] And I eventually did find it. And [00:57:00] I ran out to the street and turned it off and went and mopped up all the water in the house. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it was Ronnie chambers thought it was hilarious, but I think he actually was kind of pissed. I need to just try to laugh about it, but he was trying to work and he was
[:[00:57:19] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:57:19] Right. And he's right. Um, but that's okay. Um, I got a P do you want to take a little quick break?
[:[00:57:32] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:57:32] Okay. And we're back. Hello. If you're just joining us, I'm here with Melissa Nesbitt, wife of the acclaimed podcast, host of ramble by the river. Jeff Nesbitt. Yeah. Thank you for being here with us, Melissa. It's a privilege. I really appreciate you saying so before the break, we had been discussing identity and in particular, the identity as a parent and [00:58:00] how your children's perception of who you are, can really shape how you feel.
[:[00:58:07] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:58:07] Yes. So when you asked, I think the short answer is just that it's very important. I care a lot about. How my kids see me and what they think. And, , my oldest sets the bar really high.
[:[00:58:25] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:58:25] druggie moms be one of those tattooed druggy moms.
[:[00:58:40] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:58:40] my kids at the beginning letters of my kids' names are S E a and we live on the river. I grew up on the river though. The water, this coastal life is important to me.
[:[00:59:00] [00:59:00] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:59:00] burst into tears, and he could only explain it by saying he just didn't want her to be one of those tattoo druggie moms
[:[00:59:10] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:59:10] And we couldn't figure out where he got that stereotype. But we should
[:[00:59:18] Jeff Nesbitt: [00:59:18] almost two months ago.
[:[00:59:23] Melissa Nesbitt: [00:59:23] he's probably seven. I used to threaten to cut my hair, even cry.
[:[00:59:51] Yeah.
[:[01:00:12] And I didn't always get a prep. Yeah. We were had a sub shortage and we were kind of, teachers were covering out their teachers on prep time, just squeezing in time to pump and having enough milk was challenging to make it to a year. So I kind of got to a year and was like, okay, I'm done. And Amelia was okay with a Baba, but she still needed the booboo.
[:[01:00:42] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:00:42] Yeah. When you were out of town last weekend and it was just me and her trying to take a nap, she was just kept going to stick her hand on my shirt. And I'm like, I'm wearing a t-shirt that's like tight up here to crew neck and it ruins the shirt ruins it forever.
[:[01:01:02] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:01:02] her hand nestled in there. I do not let her touch my nipples. So
[:[01:01:13] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:01:13] don't let her touch me. She'll say no nipples. Just booboo.
[:[01:01:21] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:01:21] I just like, kind of let her just put her chubby little hand, like right in my Cleveland it's
[:[01:01:28] So she's going to try to track down
[:[01:01:47] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:01:47] Yeah, she will. She will eventually. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't twirl your hair nearly as much as it used to.
[:[01:01:56] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:01:56] he's all 12. I mean, he's over 12.
[:[01:02:13] Um, and I care a lot what the people that I love think, and I wish I didn't care so much. I really admire people that don't, but I do. And, , Sawyer has really high standards and he has high standards for himself and for the people that are close to him. And so, , I'm pretty careful with what I do. , we don't really drink in front of the kids and not that I think that's a bad
[:[01:02:36] No, we talk about it. We're like, we're honest about what kind of drugs or alcohol use we do or don't do. And because I think that's what you got to do. Otherwise, they're going to think of it as some kind of a novelty or for the forbidden fruit. It's just not that exciting. It's just this thing that has a potential to help in a couple of ways.
[:[01:03:02] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:03:02] just always been aware that they're watching and they have seen more than I ever wanted my kids to see because of what has happened with their dad and his health. And so I've just tried really hard to, , Keep things stable on my end.
[:[01:03:27] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:03:27] Yeah. I think that for me, that the whole idea of being a role model has really helped to solidify who I want to be as an adult, because you can't give yourself a whole bunch of liberties to be a jackass when there's people watching and trying to use you as a roadmap for how to be an adult.
[:[01:04:12] and, I had already been a dad for a few years at this point to Sawyer and Elsa. And, but I didn't get to do the baby thing. So I didn't get to see them born. I didn't get to hold them as they like, took their first few breaths. And just like the first day of the, of life, , on this planet, , I didn't get that.
[:[01:04:52] it's almost like I remembered who I was like I had forgotten and I was just like, Oh yeah, this is who I am. I'm this [01:05:00] I'm the dad. And I I'm just in it. That's like immediately, it became easier to ignore the nagging little voice in my head. That's telling me to be selfish. And it's telling me, which I honestly, for LA, a lot of years of my life thought I couldn't ignore it.
[:[01:05:38] And that's my idea of rebellion. Oh, wow. You, that stuff is meant to be thrown out. It says it right on the pack.
[:[01:05:48] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:05:48] Yeah. But you know, I'm still a bad boy. I'm still, I'm the still the bad boy of the carpool
[:[01:05:58] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:05:58] Some, some [01:06:00] it's not Tupperware.
[:[01:06:15] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:06:15] I do not keep those. You keep those, I don't even need the ham.
[:[01:06:20] I was like, he's a ham guy. He likes that ham. Yeah. But I digress.
[:[01:06:37] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:06:37] anymore because you're not only responsible for them in the moment, but also in the future.
[:[01:06:45] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:06:45] I struggle still with the reverse side of that, because I think to be a really good mom, you'll have to be healthy and you have to take care of yourself and that's physical and mental and get enough sleep and exercise. And, um, I have spent so much time [01:07:00] living for my children and trying to make sure everything is right in their world.
[:[01:07:09] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:07:09] them. No, I think that is a state of co-dependence. You're
[:[01:07:13] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:07:13] me. I know I'm not, I'm not trying to analyze you, but I do think that like, you're looking for your satisfaction and your sense of like, I've got my bases covered by just.
[:[01:07:43] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:07:43] They are my greatest accomplishment. What's the best thing you've ever created.
[:[01:08:10] And I'm really proud of that. And so I think I justify putting myself off because they're going to be out of the house or will graduate in six more years, then he'll be gone and I'm already crying about it. So it's just like all take care of myself then, but that's not a healthy way to think either
[:[01:08:32] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:08:32] a Peloton. You got me one, you actually ordered it in November, but, um, and they came in January.
[:[01:08:51] Last month,
[:[01:09:16] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:09:16] Oh, that is hard.
[:[01:09:19] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:09:19] I don't like it. And I was a teacher in a pandemic, so it just didn't matter what decision I made it. Wasn't going to suit someone, even if I was really trying to make decisions based on the best interests of my students. It's just to one parent you're doing too much to somebody else you're doing too little.
[:[01:10:00] Yeah. , who's always around. Right. And I had no childcare for her. So I was home with her with two kids in school, trying to do my job from home. And I just am like, I lost myself somewhere
[:[01:10:18] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:10:18] around. Right. And my memory is probably a little misconstrued.
[:[01:10:29] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:10:29] you and I'm me too. I was working a lot. So I was gone. I mean, All summer, basically, and at least during the daylight hours. And so, yeah, you're left with all the kids, all your own responsibilities and yeah, that w I, cause you did still get exercise, but it w it wasn't the way you are now about like every day when you get out of bed, you get on the bike and then it pays dividends and you see the results starting [01:11:00] small and they just increase and increase in like, you look really good.
[:[01:11:03] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:11:03] started not on the bike though. I started getting up and doing yoga every morning. That's
[:[01:11:20] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:11:20] um, I'm learning to take it.
[:[01:11:37] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:11:37] So rather than going down and picking up the socks off Soyer's floor, you get on the bike.
[:[01:11:44] Yeah. And then one.
[:[01:11:49] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:11:49] on the chair. Oh my gosh. I N yeah, it is not a perfect system, but I'm trying really hard to just squeeze in last night. I think you were down there playing with million.
[:[01:12:07] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:12:07] charter than I thought they would be. It's a core at work. Yeah. Oh,
[:[01:12:20] I'm going to go make sure that Elsa has done her homework. Well, Elsa always does her homework, so that's probably not how I need to spend my time. She doesn't want me in there. She feels like I'm nagging at her. I know she did her homework. I'll take care of me in these 10 minutes. And it is working right now.
[:[01:12:38] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:12:38] our responsibilities as procrastination tactics. It, I do it all the time.
[:[01:12:51] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:12:51] I just, you did it for two months straight because I, like I said on the podcast, I'm like, all right, I'm starting this new fitness thing.
[:[01:13:18] And so all of that is just all piled on. And so for some reason, I just got it in my head. Like I'm just going to put my physical health on hold. I'm just going to live off of whatever. I find nothing good, mostly just sugar and carbs, and then not work out, not sleep. And it'll only last a couple of months, I'll get all these big projects done knocked out and then, then I'll prioritize my health.
[:[01:14:01] It's hard. You have to really make it a daily effort.
[:[01:14:27] And when you don't feel good and your body is hurting, then there just gets to be this point in the night where you're done and you just don't have the energy for anybody else or anything else. And I was really feeling that. So I knew I needed to make some changes and I'm not sure I would have been so diligent if that wasn't the
[:[01:14:45] Yeah. Well, it's, it's been impressive. You once, like once you decided to start doing it, it's just like you're doing it. And it's, I really liked that. Yeah. I feel like
[:[01:15:04] And, um, the kids know I'm slower than them now. And like, mom can't keep up or like, are we doing a fast run with dad or a slow run with mom? And I want to be able to still keep up.
[:[01:15:24] She's so light on her feet. Her posture is so good when she's running. She's a great athlete. She is. It's
[:[01:15:47] I'm just making sure that I'm doing yoga or doing my stretches, making sure I'm moving. And it makes a big difference.
[:[01:15:58] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:15:58] Yes. And I'm doing meditations [01:16:00] with Amelia, which is so cool. Um, who is
[:[01:16:08] Um, just yesterday we were in the living room and she just started doing, uh, uh, low lunge. It was really cute. Yeah. Yeah.
[:[01:16:33] Um, doesn't say kindness will say the leaf one, which is a Headspace meditation. Um, but we also just do meditation straight from the Peloton app and we just listened to him. She likes to pick a girl until look at the pictures and pick one. I usually choose a calming meditation and, um, we only ever do 10 minute meditations and she's always asleep before they're over.
[:[01:17:00] [01:16:59] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:16:59] This is doing some meditations. He deals with, you know, anxiety. Yeah. Just stress and anxiety. And, um, I don't know that he feels like they're working, but he's willing to give it a shot. And I think long-term, they help.
[:[01:17:15] And that's also the concept that so many people miss is, it is a cumulative thing. It's not something that you're looking for. It's not a line of cocaine. You're not going to feel it in five minutes and it's not going to solve the way you feel immediately. It's not going to change your state like that.
[:[01:17:40] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:17:40] Well, that's really good to know. It's super reassuring
[:[01:17:47] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:17:47] and making cocaine references to me for years.
[:[01:17:56] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:17:56] No, I meant the other parts. Um, [01:18:00] I meant it's not, you don't get
[:[01:18:02] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:18:02] The reason I chose that analogy is because cocaine is a fast acting, dopamine, agonist and norepinephrine. It's a catecholamine agonist. So it right away you take that bump and it goes straight through your nasal passage, hits your brain immediately changing your, your psychological state.
[:[01:18:31] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:18:31] wipe of the nose. Yep.
[:[01:18:47] Oh yeah. That too. God, I loved that one. That was a great series. I hope they do another season. Eh, where were we? Oh yeah, the analogies. Um, but it's quick. It's a tool like to just [01:19:00] immediately change your state. It later will cascade down to feeling horrible and worse. So that's actually a bad analogy. But with meditation you may sit down and do your 30 minutes or 20 minutes or five minutes, whatever it is every day and get up and feel, not that much different.
[:[01:19:20] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:19:20] No, if I've ever done one for more than 15 minutes, I usually do a 10 minute meditation. , and I don't usually feel that rush like, Oh my gosh, I'm all better. But I do feel calm. You
[:[01:19:33], that's like an active guided meditation. Yeah. I've I mean, some of them make you feel high. Like, I mean, it's like,
[:[01:19:53] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:19:53] or in the same category as a bike ride or yoga, as far as like changing your state, it [01:20:00] doesn't
[:[01:20:01] There's this, anybody who's like been an athlete at any period in their lives. Like you wouldn't, you want the sweat, you want the heart
[:[01:20:13] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:20:13] me, right. But the breath work has been really good for me. Um, I hold my breath and don't always realize it. And I hear myself at baseball games now practicing deep breathing.
[:[01:20:40] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:20:40] should be doing it too, but not the same kind. He shouldn't, he needs to be doing like, he needs a compressed his trunk.
[:[01:20:51] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:20:51] Um, but yeah, my point is I'm using the breath work a lot. I read the James nester book to
[:[01:21:06] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:21:06] breathwork right. He had done some breath work in the sauna.
[:[01:21:10] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:21:10] maybe it was Wim Hoff as a one-off exercise. Oh, it was, it was where you do heavy inhale, heavy exhale, repeatedly as fast as you can for two minutes, full exhale hold. And then you hold for two minutes and then you do it again.
[:[01:21:25] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:21:25] I think so. And it's really, really hard.
[:[01:21:35] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:21:35] And then you hear this like big thunk and your husband is passed out in the bathroom and it's not the first time that happened. And it's like,
[:[01:21:44] The important part is we got to get back up.
[:[01:21:47] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:21:47] were you doing in there?
[:[01:21:51] Uh, yeah. I like to do it in front of a mirror so I can see if I'm breathing in my diaphragm or she
[:[01:22:02] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:22:02] It's really not a vanity thing at all. It's a, it's a function thing. I, if, if it weren't for the fact that I get the judging eyes of anyone who sees I would stand in front of the mirror and investigate my body every day for at least 30 minutes, I enjoy it.
[:[01:22:26] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:22:26] W you were just kinder to yourself or maybe it's a male female thing. I can't do that. Then I just see all the imperfections and, um, it makes me feel Nicky.
[:[01:22:39] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:22:39] It's not me though. I it's just it's your mate suit. Yeah. It's, it's just, it's a, it's something that I was gifted.
[:[01:22:59] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:22:59] I think that's [01:23:00] incredible.
[:[01:23:02] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:23:02] like stand there and look at the soft places and
[:[01:23:19] And they're, they're all pretty changeable. And, but then if you do that, then you're almost obligated to do things to improve if you don't want. And what
[:[01:23:39] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:23:39] You mean aesthetics? Yeah. Oh yeah, no, I, I, there are
[:[01:23:49] That's true because of time and years and babies in the navigate, for sure. Right. Yeah. So if I'm going to stand there and look at how [01:24:00] my cleavage doesn't look the same as it did when I was 22 and like dwell on that, that's just, that's not good for me because the only way to fix that is to go get a lift of some kind.
[:[01:24:18] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:24:18] Totally agree. It's not, not a good way to spend the money. I don't know why it's different between men and women. I know it is, but I, at some point started realizing that as a man, that my value is not so much not pinned to my physical prowess.
[:[01:24:52] But I realized that I have a lot of other things I could offer. I could be the funny guy. I could be the smart guy. I could be the guy [01:25:00] who's really good at thinking through problems. Uh, and those are really the three things I try to be. But, um, I also, I do like being the fit guy, but there's been periods of time in my life where I was just not at all that.
[:[01:25:34] Just things I don't mind them anymore. I just think of them as like, same as when I see the scratches on my truck. I'm just like, Oh yeah. That's from where I dropped that log when I was unloading the firewood and that's from where I scraped up against the brush, when I was going down that trail, it shouldn't
[:[01:25:49] And that's why we're here. I feel like a lot of women think that about their stretch marks, you know? Well, like that's where I got my babies. Um, that's not so much something I deal with, but [01:26:00] definitely the restrictions I have for my hip. I'm like, okay, that's that? I just am not that person anymore.
[:[01:26:08] Cause that's different. That was a surgery. And that's something you just got to accept that it's different after
[:[01:26:20] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:26:20] you wrote, what year did you break your pelvis? I
[:[01:26:25] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:26:25] And that was a freak volleyball coaching
[:[01:26:27] Yeah. I had actually just run hood to coast, Oregon for the first time. And I was feeling like I was in really good shape, actually. I done had to coach and then I'd done a 10 K like the weekend before and um, my times were fairly good. Um, I know I was feeling strong and fit. I actually don't feel like I was, um, feeling rundown, but maybe I was, um, maybe, maybe not depleted.
[:[01:27:14] And it, , pushed my femur into my acetabulum, which is a bone in your pelvis that holds your femur and it broke. And, , I couldn't walk for a long time after that. And I was a single mom with two kids and that was, that was really tough. So they pinned you back, pinned me back together. Screws. I have two titanium screws in my hip and I had kind of learned, well, not kind of, I had to learn to walk again.
[:[01:27:44] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:27:44] What you had just done when I met you.
[:[01:27:50] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:27:50] March six months after you had broken your pelvis and you're already right. I
[:[01:27:59] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:27:59] Not fast [01:28:00] or anything, but you are moving, but, you know,
[:[01:28:12] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:28:12] You were fast enough already for me to, to completely underestimate the severity of your injuries. I can, until I saw the x-rays and I was like, Holy shit, you broke in half. Like, it really was a substantial trauma. It
[:[01:28:41] And I had to be like, you hurt every time you run, how many times have you done it? I just did Oregon once. And then Washington, once that's
[:[01:28:54] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:28:54] done several halfs and I did that Lake of death, , race, which was, I think 14.8.
[:[01:29:20] Just don't. But, , yeah, I'm trying to give myself grace and just be like that. Doesn't have to be your thing. You can do something else. You can ride your stationary bike alone morning at 6:00 AM and call it. Good.
[:[01:29:36] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:29:36] Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Won't you be excited to see it?
[:[01:29:59] Cause it doesn't [01:30:00] really make a lot of sense
[:[01:30:04] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:30:04] and I put the shirt on. Didn't think about it. Then as I was driving to the game and like, Oh, it says Peloton on it, on the chest. And I was like, that's cool, Melissa got me a shirt. And , then the second I walked up to this game, which is like the social event , of. Peninsula.
[:[01:30:23] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:30:23] of her friends were there.
[:[01:30:35] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:30:35] now suddenly all these people that we respect think this asshole was riding a hundred bike rides on the pills.
[:[01:30:41] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:30:41] Jeff has not got to a hundred rides. I earned that century club t-shirt that he stole. I have never even worn it. It came in the mail. I was so excited to see it. Then it disappeared from my life. And you came walking up to the baseball game, just sporting your century [01:31:00] ride. T-shirt like the bad-ass I think
[:[01:31:06] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:31:06] What are you doing in my shirt? This shirt?
[:[01:31:17] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:31:17] Yeah. Well, cause I could just hear them all being like, Oh, Jeff, Jeff got century, right?
[:[01:31:24] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:31:24] He's already done a hundred rides.
[:[01:31:29] That's a coin. Give you a coin for it. But yeah. Yeah.
[:[01:31:42] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:31:42] I, it is in the laundry. It should be in laundry. Right? Did it really not come through?
[:[01:31:48] I bet you it's on top of your dresser somewhere.
[:[01:31:54] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:31:54] you're gonna keep it until you get your hundred and then we'll just be matchy-matchy
[:[01:32:05] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:32:05] I order large because race shirts tend to be small and yeah, and I had to put on, I put on this racer for Jeff the other night that I got when I ran the Oregon half marathon and I came out and said, um, what size do you think this shirt is?
[:[01:32:27] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:32:27] definitely a tight shirt. I don't know why they mislabeled
[:[01:32:36] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:32:36] And
[:[01:32:46] So I got a large and the large was large enough to fit Jeff apparently. So he stole it.
[:[01:32:56]Melissa Nesbitt: [01:32:56] Okay. So here's my question for you about moms. [01:33:00] So you have a mom too, right? And, um, imagine there's things that she did that you pictured would happen in your family or with your children.
[:[01:33:18] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:33:18] What do you mean?
[:[01:33:36] How does it go? Um, okay. Well, if you have been in my kindergarten class, you know, the song because I also start my day in kindergarten with the good morning song, but we don't do rise and shine. So it goes good morning to you. Good morning to you. We're all in our places with bright shining faces. And this says though [01:34:00] way to start a good day, and then I sing rise and shine and give God the glory, glory rise and shine and give God the glory, glory rise and shine and give God the glory, glory, children of the Lord.
[:[01:34:23] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:34:23] I don't sing the second half. I've just never tried. I'll put you in jail. No one told me I couldn't, but I've never tried. I just thought I was a little bit too controversial.
[:[01:34:33] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:34:33] So my mom woke us up like that every day of my childhood. Like even in college, when I was home for summertime or breaks, like anytime she needed to wake us up, she's saying that to us.
[:[01:35:01] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:35:01] I don't know. I heard Elsa singing it to Amelia. Yeah. The, uh, I've
[:[01:35:12] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:35:12] She does. Well, let's see. Do I have anything like that? I always kinda knew that my family was a little different. , there was a lot of stuff that we did or didn't do that. Other families were the opposite on. Uh, so like, well, I mean just pretty much everything. Uh, Christmas being a great example of that.
[:[01:35:51] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:35:51] You were still in the beginning, like always making these little jokes that were over the kid's head about like the ridiculousness of what [01:36:00] we were doing at Christmas time.
[:[01:36:01] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:36:01] get it. Yeah. I didn't know why we needed it because there's there. Just to me, there was already enough there that it just seemed superfluous. The, I mean, we have like the whole thing about bonding with your family being together, loving each other. And then on top of that, I had the religious part of it too, which we in my household probably play that up more than most just because it, I mean, why not?
[:[01:36:31] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:36:31] not is like where I'm coming from, when it's like the magic, like, why not let them think it's like super magical.
[:[01:36:46] And so I would see these other kids who believed this nonsense and I would like, I felt bad for them. I was like, you're being duped and you have no idea you pour [01:37:00] fools. But now I see it's like most of the kids know, they almost. They almost all know after a certain age. And they choose, there are a couple of years in there where every single one of those little bastards knows and they choose to go along with it because they are in on the magic.
[:[01:37:25] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:37:25] I'm not sure. I'm actually nervous to be having this conversation because there's a good chance he's going to listen to it. And I don't want him to find out like this.
[:[01:37:37] She has probably been for much Elsa. I know, knows
[:[01:37:55] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:37:55] Um, but it's a collaborative creation, , the Christmas [01:38:00] magic and, and th the kids role in that kind of increases year by year until they're teenagers and they ruin everything.
[:[01:38:14] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:38:14] I'm really hoping that we're going to get more time on that because we have a little one, like, and Sawyer will, I'm not sure which direction also will go, but just keeping the magic for a Millia. Yeah. Right.
[:[01:38:28] Yeah, no, I see. Yeah, that elf on the shelf this year, the elf on the shelf was handled multiple times and the kids were able to put it back and breeze past it and make some excuse that made it not killed magic. Did you see how Lucas reacted when Amelia touched the elf at his house? Did you hear it was a major deal?
[:[01:38:48] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:38:48] Sawyer and Elsa? No, that we're moving that elf. I don't
[:[01:38:54] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:38:54] move because I don't know. This is where I picture Sawyer at his lunch [01:39:00] table in middle school. I mean like you guys guess what the elf did last night and I'm like, not sure, honestly, if he thinks it just did that on its own, , because it's magical or, you know,
[:[01:39:18] He doesn't believe anything without proof or, or at least like the evidence needed the point this direction. And this is one area where he's willing to just suspend his disbelief and, and just get into it.
[:[01:39:40] So
[:[01:39:47] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:39:47] spirit. Yeah. I remember one year he had been having a tough time with anxiety and. We had such a good Christmas that we were just really motivated to keep it [01:40:00] going. And then we did this whole like Valentine's day thing and we made the mailboxes and like all decorated them.
[:[01:40:06] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:40:06] um, yeah, when we get festive in our house, it really brightens up everybody's mood. Like,
[:[01:40:19] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:40:19] Yeah. We've been I'm pretty much until we started tearing our house apart. And now it's, it's barely, we get a meal together.
[:[01:40:27] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:40:27] these are ways my mom was wonderful, but I did, she wasn't doing that. Um, and she didn't need to, I still think she's wonderful, but it's where it's like, okay. I might be going to,
[:[01:40:53] And just to show like, wow, she puts some effort into this, but the, yeah, [01:41:00] I'm not that way. The whole like decorate everything and call everyone's friends and all that orchestrating a party is one of my least favorite things to do. Do you like doing that? No.
[:[01:41:20] That has been a nice part of this like new world is I don't have to do anything like that. Nobody's doing that. Um, no, I don't want to call all of anyone's friends and try to coordinate anything. In fact, my class reunion is supposed to be this year and Oh, I live here still. So I've had a couple of my friends who don't live here saying, what are we doing?
[:[01:42:07] I would love to see everybody, but I don't want to make the arrangements. I don't want to yeah. Call everybody. And
[:[01:42:14] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:42:14] reunion. I did do like you did with your friends, a zoom call. I think there were six or seven of us that got together for just the long of, during the pandemic.
[:[01:42:26] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:42:26] liked it too. Yeah. If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice the day before you got pregnant with your first child, what would you say?
[:[01:42:40] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:42:40] Wow. No explaining you just got to give
[:[01:42:53] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:42:53] because it worked out in the
[:[01:42:54] Yeah, I guess I, I got them and they're just the best, but, um, it's just like [01:43:00] rod. Yeah. Advice to my, I would, I think I would just tell myself to relax. , I'm pretty tightly wound it's, you know, it's so much better. And, and it got, it had gotten so much better by the time that I met you, that I was really starting to picture myself or know myself, is this like more spontaneous, like easy going person, data
[:[01:43:32] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:43:32] Yeah. And you start dating a guy with a van
[:[01:43:40] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:43:40] um, and you're like, okay, maybe I'm not like so spontaneous, but, , yeah, just stressing about all the little things. Like, are they okay? Are they in the right, , percentile for their age and height and weight. And do they have the right amount of screen time and their [01:44:00] nutrition?
[:[01:44:23] So that like nature over nurture. He was just going to be who is going to be in the same with Elsa. I'm not like a girly girl. , I like to be outside and get my hands dirty. And I always had guy friends and elses is like little ballerina. She's yeah.
[:[01:44:41] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:44:41] Yeah, that's the thing like she she's, that's true. Pretty rough and tumble like that. She's a mouse in her hair always, but, , she also is, has been in ballet for seven years and I'm not the world's greatest dance mom. She's always where she's supposed to be, but I don't know how to do a [01:45:00] perfect bun. And , sometimes they'll tell me she needs something for dance that I've never heard of.
[:[01:45:25] And I was never that I didn't want anybody to look at me.
[:[01:45:46] I don't think people would have cared. She's got a, she's got a performance quality. That's very entertaining.
[:[01:46:06] But yeah, that is who I want to be. I think that's who I try to
[:[01:46:19] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:46:19] mean, I'm trying to cultivate this really rich environment. I don't want them to see and be around only people that look a certain way or have a certain demographic or socioeconomic status mean.
[:[01:46:33] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:46:33] world 36 year old black man. Yeah. And it's wonderful. He's good friends with people from all walks of life through Papa, just like, cause he goes with him everywhere and like he's watching him wheeling a deal in and just being a commercial fishermen and making connections.
[:[01:46:55] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:46:55] Yeah. So I think that's the answer. I want to be a gardener. I want to be a cultivator mom. [01:47:00] And I think that's what my mom did for me. There was never a requirement that I had to get certain grades. I wasn't going to get punished if I came home with a C, but I didn't want to have a C.
[:[01:47:25] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:47:25] it is important element able to take your foot off the gas every once in awhile and, and kind of pull it back and feel like you have some level of control over your world.
[:[01:47:37] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:47:37] fire, I'm doing a much better job of that with Amelia, just enjoying all the stages and all the things. And my life's not so stressful. Now you help a lot. I have a partner
[:[01:47:54] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:47:54] And that's a whole different thing too. If you're a single mom and you're listening, that's a whole different [01:48:00] world to live in and that's a lot of responsibility and I've really struggled with not being a single mom anymore, but thinking I am.
[:[01:48:12] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:48:12] not like consciously thinking that I am, I know I'm married and I have a partner and his spouse and there's a co-parent here, but I still try to be everything like
[:[01:48:43] And what will come out is that you'll mention how you're a single mom. Like you are not a single mom. Um, we've been married for a while now.
[:[01:48:57] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:48:57] You know, I remember the first I said that to [01:49:00] you and you got to look on your face, like, Oh my God, he's right.
[:[01:49:10] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:49:10] It was just a really important chapter. And, um, it
[:[01:49:15] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:49:15] Yeah. And it's funny how some of your chapters are really, , long in the story of your life, even though chronologically are not long at all and vice versa. Yes. And that was just a very long, hard chapter in my life that I go back to.
[:[01:49:56] Yeah.
[:[01:50:29] It just seems like there's something about mama's boys and we're, we're a good bunch, you know, that they're, mama's boys grow up to be good men. And I think that's no coincidence and you and Sawyer have a very close relationship. We touched on that earlier, but I really think it's foundational to who he is as a person.
[:[01:51:10] or another time I can hear her. Tell me when you walk into a room or when your wife walks into a room, always look up and notice her and let her know that she's important to you. And so I try to do these things and it's, it's important. It's so important. The relationship between a mother and son, it teaches how it teaches a man, how to be good to women, which is really teaching a man how to be good.
[:[01:51:41] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:51:41] Yeah, I think it's hard for me to speak to as. Female. I mean, because I grew up with a sister and it was a lot of times, just my sister and me and my mom. And I loved that. We were girl, the girls, you know, and I learned a lot about life through those relationships. [01:52:00]
[:[01:52:22] And I just was like, Oh, what am I going to do with this boy? And, Oh my gosh, I just, I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved in the whole world. So I like still tell him, Oh my gosh, um, I don't know it. I don't know if it's a first child thing. , just like that's how much you love all every woman loves her baby when it's their first one.
[:[01:52:46] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:52:46] Do you still see, I
[:[01:52:59] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:52:59] and it started to smell [01:53:00] bad.
[:[01:53:06] I don't know. , if it's, uh, It's just a mother son thing, or just like your, your kids, but
[:[01:53:28] Oh, you're like me. And so immediately when it's a mother and son relationship, you don't have that. So there's some kind of meeting in the middle that you have to do, even though it's very minimal because like when it starts, he's basically a part of you and maybe it starts there, but I don't know, but it just seems like it's, it's really important.
[:[01:53:58] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:53:58] I have [01:54:00] seen, , a fair share of boys without moms just as a teacher, like, cause I'm very much a mom at school too. Like I'm not going to yell at you if you do something wrong as my student, but I might be disappointed in you or, , so I think I use that, but , yeah, like just kind of crying out for that, you know, love me, take care of me thing.
[:[01:54:22] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:54:22] um, at the same time I'm going to protect you too, because soar has always been that for you. Like he wants the cuddles and he wants that comforting. But at the same time, I think he sees it. His role is like, Protect her of, of you, especially during those early days when I wasn't even around yet. Yeah.
[:[01:54:47] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:54:47] no, it's, that's something our kids are great about. Elsa's the same way. She'll always ask how your day has been. And , she's great at making conversation.
[:[01:55:10] We'll just kind of like stay close. He's the proximity kid. And he kind of like will charge on me, which Elsa doesn't need that. physical touch quite so much, but she does these acts of service. I think it just comes down to these two love language.
[:[01:55:31] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:55:31] of service.
[:[01:55:37] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:55:37] Yeah, it's, it's something unique about it. I'm so glad
[:[01:55:54] And that Amelia has, he is such a protector to Amelia and I [01:56:00] just feel so safe when he's watching her. And I, I love that when they walk off and she's holding his hand or it's sweet. So
[:[01:56:25] Do you have any closing thoughts on this lovely mother's day weekend?
[:[01:56:51] And, and you are so good at that. , and I think that is like the best gift you have given our children is [01:57:00] just loving me unconditionally. And I feel your unconditional love, but I know the kids do too. And I think that's why right away Sawyer was be able to able to be clear. Okay.
[:[01:57:16] It was gradual though. It wasn't like a D something that happened over a day. Like even, I would even say up through us getting married, um, it was all a big process because I, I was aware that Sawyer was the man of the house.
[:[01:57:37] Do you have a crush on my
[:[01:57:41] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:57:41] met him. Yeah. And so, no, I was not, um, quick to expose my kids to, uh, men, male suitors and, uh, Jeff and I are coaching track together though. And my kids were going to boys and girls club right there at the track. So they would come over and be there at [01:58:00] the end of track practice.
[:[01:58:09] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:58:09] We had, yeah, we had been on one date. Yeah. Yeah. I. Was considerate of that from the beginning of, of like wanting to honor the fact that he had been the standard man of the house for a while now.
[:[01:58:35] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:58:35] the seven-year-old muscle. Yeah.
[:[01:58:45] I showed him the ring very first. He's the only person I told and I asked him for his blessing. , and he gave it to me very quickly. He was very happy and excited. It was, it was really cool that that was a special and he had to keep it a secret [01:59:00] for a month or six weeks before.
[:[01:59:08] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:59:08] And it was different because Elsa called you dad almost right away
[:[01:59:15] Melissa Nesbitt: [01:59:15] soon for either of us to feel comfortable. She just so deeply needed the average American
[:[01:59:26] So she called me daddy, like. As a joke,
[:[01:59:36] Jeff Nesbitt: [01:59:36] was five. She was five. Yeah. So do it like in public and then watch everybody get uncomfortable and, , just laugh and laugh. And it wasn't long before I was her daddy. And so I, and I knew I was going to be, so I was just like, yeah, I was okay.
[:[02:00:06] Melissa Nesbitt: [02:00:06] Yeah. Yeah. So I just think, , you, you loved me so perfectly that it made us a family and thank
[:[02:00:18] The pleasure is all mine, but yeah. Yeah. Really. Thank you for saying that. That's nice, but it's the pleasure is truly all mine. I said it like
[:[02:00:28] Jeff Nesbitt: [02:00:28] me like that. Okay. I do. I do the thing about it is that I didn't expect this relationship or this family to, to happen. I really didn't.
[:[02:01:07] And then the relationships I have through my relationship with you, including the ones with my two oldest children actually, and Amelia too, couldn't have made her without you. Yeah, I
[:[02:01:26] Jeff Nesbitt: [02:01:26] I would have thought that was all going to
[:[02:01:45] Jeff Nesbitt: [02:01:45] when you don't have to worry about survival needs or, you know, safety needs the lower Maslow's pyramid, lower needs on the pyramid.
[:[02:01:57] Melissa Nesbitt: [02:01:57] And like, just to be clear, we are not rocking it all the [02:02:00] time. We really aren't. We have. It's often six o'clock baseball games where dinner is a scramble and talk about all the bad stuff. Okay. I just like, it's not, it's not perfect, but it is good. Okay.
[:[02:02:17] Melissa Nesbitt: [02:02:17] I don't want to like put off errors, like, Oh my gosh, life is so great. Nothing's wrong. Everything. Like, that's not real, but we're going to
[:[02:02:30] Melissa Nesbitt: [02:02:30] but yeah, there have been children in our house, eating microwave, macaroni and cheese cups and air fryer food and a straight dirt.
[:[02:02:41] Melissa Nesbitt: [02:02:41] Yeah. They find it. Gosh.
[:[02:02:50] Melissa Nesbitt: [02:02:50] We're doing okay. No, when I, I think that's an important thing too, that, , moms need it just to be like, you know what, like everybody's healthy. We're, we're [02:03:00] all here. We all made it because, , not everybody has that.
[:[02:03:09] Jeff Nesbitt: [02:03:09] got. Yeah. Well said. And in closing, I want to just say to all of the moms who are listening to this right now, You're doing a good job. I cannot stress this enough. Your kids are not going to appreciate it until much, much later, but don't give up.
[:[02:03:47] Thanks mom. Love you. Thanks mom. Love you. Bye guys.
